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Aeon Must Die!
21/01/2022
WRITTEN BY THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER
(WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM BERTRUM)
PLATFORM: PLAYSTATION 4
OCG: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...
I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum
Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!
OCG: And this is my review for AEON MUST DIE. So, AEON MUST DIE was released in 2021. And don't let the title fool you, dear viewer. This game has nothing to do with DANTE MUST DIE, JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE or MY WIFE MUST DIE
Bertrum: She really should. Last week she patted me on the head and said I was such a "cute little boy"
OCG: The woman is clearly demented. You, cute? Don't make me laugh. You look like a scrotum with a mustache
Bertrum: Awww thank you
OCG: That wasn't a compliment (OH)
So, what the Hell is this game? I am so glad you asked, dear viewer
Bertrum: I didn't hear anything
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! So, AEON MUST DIE is, for all intents and purposes a beat em up game
Bertrum: Beam me up?
OCG: No. Beat em up (OH) Have you been watching STAR TREK again?
Bertrum: Ummm...No
OCG: Bertrum!
Bertrum: But I love it!
OCG: I told you what happened to me when I attended that STAR TREK convention in 1993, didn't I? I can't even look at a klingon without having traumatic flashbacks
Bertrum: Remind me what he did again
OCG: It was 1993. I was in attendance at a Star Trek convention in the great city of London. I brought a guest with me. T'was my favorite teddy bear
Bertrum: What was he called?
OCG: Itrubsthelotiononitsskin
Bertrum: Did he have a surname?
OCG: Yes. It was Orelseitgetsthehoseagain. But I just called him "Bill" for short. Anyway, long story short I accidentally dropped Bill and as I reached down to retrieve him a bloody klingon appeared from nowhere, trampled Bill and just walked away
Bertrum: Bastard
OCG: Bill was in tatters, clinging to life. I attempted to administer cpr but the damage was done. Bill died in my arms
Bertrum: And that's why you hate STAR TREK?
OCG: Yes. I never recovered from Bill's death
Bertrum: I'm surprised your mother didn't buy you a new teddy bear
OCG: She did. That same day infact
Bertrum: Then what's the problem?
OCG: I've never thought of it like that before. You're right, Bertrum
Bertrum: Does that mean I can watch STAR TREK now?
OCG: Absolutely not. What the Hell was I even talking about before we...? Oh yes! This game is a beat em up. A very stylish looking beat em up but a beat em up nonetheless
The game is basically a series of fights against identical looking enemies and the occassional boss fight broken up by cutscenes and loading screens
Bertrum: Loading screens?
OCG: Loading screens. So many loading screens and I played this on the playstation 5. Triple AAA this game is not. Speaking of the fights the game starts off nice and simple but quickly ramps up in difficulty. It becomes hard and not the good kind of hard, the kind were you want to put your sausage into the moistest donut you have to hand but the bad hard. What I like to call DARK SOULS hard. The kind of hard where you want to snap off your sausage and ram it up the game developers backsides
Bertrum: Ummm...I'm not sure I understood any of that
OCG: Tis probably for the best, Bertrum. So can I tell you something positive about the game? Ummmm....Oh yes! The music is amazing. It's very...John Carpenter
Bertrum: I've never heard of that genre
OCG: That's because John Carpenter is a person, Bertrum. Nay the man is a God
Bertrum: I've never heard of this God
OCG: "Halloween"? (UMMM) "The Fog"? (UMMM) "Memoirs of an invisible man"? (UMMM) Granted, no one has probably heard of "Memoirs of an invisible man"
Man: I have
OCG: Who the Hell are you?
Man: I'm your next door neighbour SLAP
Bertrum: You have rendered him unconcious
OCG: Throw him in the basement with the others. Now, Bertrum
Bertrum: OKAY. BUT EVENTUALLY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START ASKING QUESTIONS
So, in conclusion AEON MUST DIE is more frustrating than fun but at least it has a good soundtrack. Therefore I am going to given AEON MUST DIE! A 2 out of 5
THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER