COGEN: SWORD OF REWIND
WRITTEN BY THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER
(WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM BERTRUM)
PLATFORM: Playstation 5
OCG: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls! I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined
once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum
Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!
OCG: And this is my review for COGEN: SWORD OF REWIND
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OCG: So, COGEN: SWORD OF REWIND released today for all the lovely games consoles
including the playstation 4, 5 and the Nintendo Switch. So what the Hell is COGEN:
SWORD OF REWIND? I am so glad you asked, dear viewer
Bertrum: OCG, there's a weird noise coming from the toilet
OCG: We've been over this before, Bertrum. When the excrement leaves your body sometimes
it can cause a splash in the toilet water. This depends on the size of said excrement, of course
Bertrum: No. Not that. It sounded like a woman shouting "Help me"
OCG: Maybe the toilet is haunted?
Bertrum: Don't say that
OCG: Keep quiet, Bertrum. I am trying to record a review here. So, what the Hell is...
Bertrum: You already said that bit
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum. So, story. The story for COGEN is a lot of nonsense about a talking
sword, a ruined city and a lead character with amnesia. Why do so many video games have a
lead character with amnesia? Well?
Bertrum: Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize you were talking to me
OCG: I'm not talking to you, Bertrum. I'm talking to this brick wall
Bertrum: Oh
OCG: Speak, brick wall! Speak! He's not very talkative today
Bertrum: Do you often have conversations with the brick wall?
OCG: Oh yes! We talk about everything from quantum physics to the latest episode of SOUTH
PARK
Bertrum: Wow! Excuse me a moment. Hello, Dr Baxter. Bertrum here. I think OCG has lost it.
He's talking to a brick wall
OCG: Who are you talking to, Bertrum?
Bertrum: Ummm...The toaster?
OCG: Tell that bastard he owes me money
Bertrum: Will do! Please come quickly, doctor
OCG: So, gameplay. COGEN: SWORD OF REWIND is a side scrolling 2D action platformer
in the vein of games like AZURE STRIKER GUNVOLT except in this game you die in one
hit
Bertrum: Oh my!
OCG: Thankfully like PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME if you get hit by an enemy
you can just rewind time to undo that little mistake. Unlike THE SANDS OF TIME this game
is harder than Robocop getting a lapdance from the bloody Terminator
Bertrum: You don't do well with hard games
OCG: Whatever gave you that impression?
Bertrum: The fact that before you started this game you owned 6 playstation 5 controllers, all
of the windows in your gaming room had actual windows and you had a full head of hair,
OCG. Now there are 3 controllers in bits, 2 that have been set on fire and 1 that has been
forcibly rammed up my backside
OCG: I did warn you about giving me advice during the boss fights
Bertrum: Also every window in the gaming room has been smashed and you now look like you
are cosplaying as Professor X
OCG: It'll grow back
Bertrum: True. But the windows will not
OCG: It was too hot in here anyway. Speaking of the difficulty. There was more than one boss
that took me over 10 tries to kill. I haven't come up against something that resilient since my
third wife
Bertrum: She was hard to kill?
OCG: Bloody impossible. I eventually gave up and flushed her down the toilet
Bertrum: That's what that noise is!
OCG: Yes. She must be lodged in a pipe
Bertrum: Why did you want to kill her in the first place?
OCG: She stole the last wagon wheel
Bertrum: Isn't that a little extreme?
OCG: You know how much I love wagon wheels
Bertrum: True. True
OCG: So, what did I think of COGEN: SWORD OF REWIND? I am so glad you asked, dear
viewer
Bertrum: I didn't hear anything
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! The best way I can describe this game is to say it's fun, frantic and
frustrating so it's akin to making love to an epileptic as they're suffering a fit. If you enjoy the
AZURE STRIKER games then I'm sure you'll enjoy this. Therefore I am going to give
COPEN: SWORD OF REWIND a 4 out of 5!
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Bertrum: Well if you'll excuse me I'm off to the hospital to get this playstation 5 controller
removed
OCG: Can you pick me up a subway on your way home? Bertrum? Bertrum? Why, hello doctor.
To what do I owe the pleasure? And why the Hell are you holding a strait jacket?
The Obsessive Compulsive Gamer
(Gamer, Artist, Lunatic)