Jack 'N' Hat

22/01/2022

WRITTEN BY THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER

(WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM BERTRUM)


OCG: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...

I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum

Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!

OCG: And this is my review for JACK 'N' HAT

Bertrum: Ummm...What are you doing, OCG?

OCG: I am writing a strongly worded letter to the developers of this game. I believe they are called "Cross Game Studio'' which is a Hell of a coincidence because they are going to be cross when they read this letter.

Bertrum: I don't know if anyone told you, OCG but it's 2022, not 1822. People don't write letters anymore. They just leave foul mouthed tweets on twitter or send foul mouthed emails. There's a lot of foul mouthAGE

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum. I need to concentrate on this letter

Bertrum: What does the letter say?

OCG: In a nutshell, I tell the developers of this game JACK 'N' HAT that they are not game developers. They are thieves and bastards. But mostly they are thieves

Bertrum: What did they steal?

OCG: You have no idea, Bertrum. This game JACK 'N' HAT is comprised of elements we have already seen in SUPER MARIO BROS, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG and even ALEXX THE KIDD

Bertrum: Such as?

OCG: I'll read the letter to you when I'm done

Bertrum: Okay (HUMS) Done yet?

OCG: No

Bertrum: Okay (HUMS) Done yet?

OCG: No

Bertrum: Okay (HUMS) Done yet?

OCG: No...Actually, yes

Bertrum: Yay! So, go on. Read it

OCG: Bear in mind this is a work in progress

Bertrum: What's that drawing at the bottom of the page?

OCG: That's my score for the game

Bertrum: It looks like two very hairy bollocks

OCG: Exactly CLEARS THROAT "Dear Cross Game Studio. My name is Reuben Buttercup Crowley..."

Bertrum: Your middle name is buttercup? Haha

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum CLEARS THROAT "...But you can call me the obsessive compulsive gamer. I am writing this letter to tell you that you are a pack of thieves and bastards. But you are mostly thieves" Then there is an exclamation mark here

Bertrum: Oh

OCG: "JACK 'N' HAT might be a love letter to the platformers of yesteryear but in my humble opinion it is nothing but a derivative piece of monkey excrement. Everything about your game has been ripped off from superior work. The whole princess being kidnapped routine was already done in SUPER MARIO BROS. You also stole destructible blocks, plants that come out of pipes and overall level design from SUPER MARIO BROS. You must love those games. If you like I can introduce you to that plumber with the pornstar mustache"

Bertrum: His mustache does porn?

OCG: No. Pornstars have his mustache

Bertrum: Why do they have his mustache? Can't they grow their own?

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! "Your villain is nothing more than a pale imitator of Dr. Robotnik from SONIC THE HEDGEHOG"

Bertrum: I thought he was called Dr Eggman?

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! CLEARS THROAT "The graphics look like something Nintendo spewed out in 1988. The retro inspired video games like SHOVEL KNIGHT have had their moment in the spotlight. In Fact they've been standing in the spotlight for so bloody long the spotlight itself has blown a fuse and all of its bulbs have expired"

Bertrum: What does expired mean?

OCG: It's what you'll be if you interrupt me again, Bertrum!

Bertrum: Eek!

OCG: "So, your game is derivative, ugly, old fashioned but at least it is shorter than Peter bloody Dinkladge. Any longer and I might have been forced to kill myself with the only thing I had to hand: A dildo"

Bertrum: Ummmm....

OCG: Don't ask, Bertrum. Don't even ask. "If you disagree with anything I have said, Criss Cross Studio or whatever your name is then I invite you to kiss my..." And then I have drawn an arse

Bertrum: Oh, that's a very realistic arse

OCG: Thank you, Bertrum. "Therefore I am going to give JACK 'N' HAT a 2 out of 5 

THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER