Shadow Man Remastered
WRITTEN BY THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER
(WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM BERTRUM)
Ocg: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...
I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum
Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!
OCG: And this is my review for SHADOW MAN REMASTERED!
So, SHADOW MAN was originally released in 1999. A year I remember fondly as the year I invented the millenium bug. Sadly Bertrum accidentally stood on it
Bertrum: Poor guy!
OCG: But today we are reviewing SHADOW MAN REMASTERED which released on the 12th January 2022 for consoles. So, what the Hell is SHADOW MAN REMASTERED? I am so glad you asked, dear viewer
Bertrum: I didn't hear anything
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! This is an action platformer with all the staples of video games that are now 20+ years old: Bollocks graphics, bollocks voice acting, bollocks controls and bollocks gameplay and I'll admit here that even in 1999 I found this game to be frustrating
Bertrum: Wasn't that when you threw your playstation 1 out of the window then went outside and set fire to it before smashing the remains to bits?
OCG: Well remembered, Bertrum! That was the day the neighbors called me a "lunatic" for the first time
Bertrum: But sadly not the last time
OCG: Quite. So, story. As the shadow man you are tasked with taking down five serial killers to prevent the end of the world or some such bollocks. To do this you'll have to navigate a semi-open world made up of various stages including an asylum, temples and even a summer camp in florida. To unlock stages you'll have to find dark souls and before you ask, Bertrum. No. They're not THOSE dark souls
OCG: Thankfully this game is nowhere near as hard as those cursed games but it is just as labyrinthian. I got lost more times in this game than the time I visited the overlook hotel and thought it was a good idea to go into the bloody hedge maze
Bertrum: That's a joke about THE SHINING
OCG: Shining? What the Hell is this shining? I was just telling you about something that actually happened to me, not making some pop culture reference. I'm above that cheap level of humor. This isn't FAMILY GUY, you know
Bertrum: Oh. Well THE SHINING is a scary movie. I pooped my pants
OCG: Too much information, Bertrum. And I think you'll find it was a novel before it was a film
Bertrum: Aha! So you have heard of it. You were making a pop culture reference
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! I had the same feeling playing SHADOW MAN REMASTERED as I did when I recently played BLOODRAYNE REVAMPED
OCG: No. Heartburn. I need to stop eating Indian food while playing these games. So what did I think of SHADOW MAN REMASTERED? Well...The game certainly looks better than it did back in 1999 but that doesn't save what, for me, is a bloated, ugly, boring...
Bertrum: It sounds like you're describing yourself
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! CLEARS THROAT ...But that doesn't save what, for me, is a bloated, ugly, boring, frustrating video game. Therefore I am going to give SHADOW MAN REMASTERED a 2 out of 5.
THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER