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THE ARTFUL ESCAPE
26/01/2022
WRITTEN BY THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER
(WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM BERTRUM)
PLATFORM: PLAYSTATION 5
OCG: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...
I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum
Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!
OCG: And this is my review for THE ARTFUL ESCAPE
THE ARTFUL ESCAPE released yesterday for the playstation 4 and 5
Bertrum: Ummm...What is THE ARTFUL ESCAPE?
OCG: I am so glad you asked, dear Bertrum. THE ARTFUL ESCAPE is an action adventure music rhythmn platformer...Thing starring a lead character who looks remarkably like Harry Potter
Bertrum: I love Harry Potter
OCG: Indeed. I can see your erection from here
Bertrum: I don't love him THAT much
OCG: Oh
So, story. The story is some nonsense about a musician journeying to other worlds to find himself...Or go through puberty or some such bollocks
Bertrum: Are you saying it is a coming of age story?
OCG: Good lord, no. I'm not saying that at all. I'd never use the word "coming" in a sentence. It makes everything sound sordid
Bertrum: That is true
OCG: So, yes our character is a musician who is jealous of his uncle and so decides to create a stage persona for...Reasons and ends up going on an adventure were he encounters aliens and...Grows as a person or something
Bertrum: You are rubbish at explaining the story
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! Let's just move on. Did you know, Bertrum that I was abducted by aliens once?
Bertrum: I did not know that. Were you anally probed?
OCG: Yes. Yes I was
Bertrum: That must have been awful
OCG: It wasn't bad actually. There are worse things
Bertrum: What could be worse than being anally probed by aliens?
OCG: Ummm...I hear that sneezing is most uncomfortable
Bertrum: The visuals for this game are very psychadelic
OCG: Quite. Tis rather like being on drugs
Bertrum: You take drugs, don't you OCG?
OCG: I don't think an omeprazole and the occassional drop of heroin in my coffee classes as "taking drugs"
Bertrum: Don't you also take viagra?
OCG: Ah, yes! But not for the reasons you might think. You have seen my mutant of a wife afterall
Bertrum: Then why do you take viagra?
OCG: Well, you see ever since this bloody pandemic started I have been so paranoid to open doors with my hands so instead I pop a viagra and let my colonel Mustard do the work for me
Bertrum: You open doors with your erection?
OCG: You don't have to put it so graphically
Bertrum: What if you have to pull the door open?
OCG: No fear there. My colonel Mustard is very flexible. Sturdy too
Bertrum: Oh my
OCG: Quite. Speaking of the visuals. This game is as pretty as a picture
Bertrum: Any picture in particular?
OCG: Hmmmm a picture of my aunt Violet showering, touching herself in secret places
Bertrum: What?
OCG: A picture of Rip Torn eating a toasted bagal with mayonaise leaking out the sides
Bertrum: I think Rip Torn is dead
OCG: Even better
Bertrum: What?
OCG: Nothing. Let's move on...
So, gameplay. For the majority of the game you will be running in a straight line with the occassional bit of platforming and music rhythmn gaming for good measure. Speaking of music rhythmn gaming, these sequences play very much like a game of "Simon says"
Bertrum: You mean like in DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE?
OCG: Not quite. Less explosions here. Basically you copy a particular sequence of buttons
Bertrum: Ah. Got you. Do you weild weapons in this game?
OCG: Don't ask stupid questions, Bertrum. Well I suppose your guitar is kind of...Sort of...Not really a weapon. You'll use it to light up lights, animate parts of the environment, move platforms etc
So what else can I tell you about the game? Oh yes! This game has voice talent from the likes of Jason Schwartzman, Mark Strong, Carl Weathers who you might remember as that son of a bitch Dillon from PREDATOR and Lena Hedley who you might remember as Cersei from game of thrones. Did you know, Bertrum that her son in that show was played by Peter Dinkladge?
Bertrum: I think he was her brother
OCG: Bollocks! No man could be that small. He was clearly playing a child. Wasn't he?
Bertrum: I'm afraid not
OCG: Good lord! Whatever next, an all female version of GHOSTBUSTERS
Bertrum: That's already been done. Back in 2016 infact
OCG: Good lord! Let's move on before I say "good lord" again
Bertrum: You just did
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum!
So what did I think of THE ARTFUL ESCAPE? I am so glad you asked, dear viewer
Bertrum: I didn't hear anything
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! This is a stunning game with a great story and a good soundtrack. Damnit I didn't talk about the music
Bertrum: You just did
OCG: So I did, Bertrum. Splendid. In conclusion buy this game, dear viewer. Therefore I am going to give THE ARTFUL ESCAPE a 4 out of 5.
THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER