OCG: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...

I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum

Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!

OCG: And this is my review for THE ARTFUL ESCAPE

THE ARTFUL ESCAPE released yesterday for the playstation 4 and 5

Bertrum: Ummm...What is THE ARTFUL ESCAPE?

OCG: I am so glad you asked, dear Bertrum. THE ARTFUL ESCAPE is an action adventure music rhythmn platformer...Thing starring a lead character who looks remarkably like Harry Potter

Bertrum: I love Harry Potter

OCG: Indeed. I can see your erection from here

Bertrum: I don't love him THAT much


So, story. The story is some nonsense about a musician journeying to other worlds to find himself...Or go through puberty or some such bollocks

Bertrum: Are you saying it is a coming of age story?

OCG: Good lord, no. I'm not saying that at all. I'd never use the word "coming" in a sentence. It makes everything sound sordid

Bertrum: That is true

OCG: So, yes our character is a musician who is jealous of his uncle and so decides to create a stage persona for...Reasons and ends up going on an adventure were he encounters aliens and...Grows as a person or something

Bertrum: You are rubbish at explaining the story

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! Let's just move on. Did you know, Bertrum that I was abducted by aliens once?

Bertrum: I did not know that. Were you anally probed?

OCG: Yes. Yes I was

Bertrum: That must have been awful

OCG: It wasn't bad actually. There are worse things

Bertrum: What could be worse than being anally probed by aliens?

OCG: Ummm...I hear that sneezing is most uncomfortable

Bertrum: The visuals for this game are very psychadelic

OCG: Quite. Tis rather like being on drugs

Bertrum: You take drugs, don't you OCG?

OCG: I don't think an omeprazole and the occassional drop of heroin in my coffee classes as "taking drugs"

Bertrum: Don't you also take viagra?

OCG: Ah, yes! But not for the reasons you might think. You have seen my mutant of a wife afterall

Bertrum: Then why do you take viagra?

OCG: Well, you see ever since this bloody pandemic started I have been so paranoid to open doors with my hands so instead I pop a viagra and let my colonel Mustard do the work for me

Bertrum: You open doors with your erection?

OCG: You don't have to put it so graphically

Bertrum: What if you have to pull the door open?

OCG: No fear there. My colonel Mustard is very flexible. Sturdy too

Bertrum: Oh my

OCG: Quite. Speaking of the visuals. This game is as pretty as a picture

Bertrum: Any picture in particular?

OCG: Hmmmm a picture of my aunt Violet showering, touching herself in secret places

Bertrum: What?

OCG: A picture of Rip Torn eating a toasted bagal with mayonaise leaking out the sides

Bertrum: I think Rip Torn is dead

OCG: Even better

Bertrum: What?

OCG: Nothing. Let's move on...

So, gameplay. For the majority of the game you will be running in a straight line with the occassional bit of platforming and music rhythmn gaming for good measure. Speaking of music rhythmn gaming, these sequences play very much like a game of "Simon says"

Bertrum: You mean like in DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE?

OCG: Not quite. Less explosions here. Basically you copy a particular sequence of buttons

Bertrum: Ah. Got you. Do you weild weapons in this game?

OCG: Don't ask stupid questions, Bertrum. Well I suppose your guitar is kind of...Sort of...Not really a weapon. You'll use it to light up lights, animate parts of the environment, move platforms etc

So what else can I tell you about the game? Oh yes! This game has voice talent from the likes of Jason Schwartzman, Mark Strong, Carl Weathers who you might remember as that son of a bitch Dillon from PREDATOR and Lena Hedley who you might remember as Cersei from game of thrones. Did you know, Bertrum that her son in that show was played by Peter Dinkladge?

Bertrum: I think he was her brother

OCG: Bollocks! No man could be that small. He was clearly playing a child. Wasn't he?

Bertrum: I'm afraid not

OCG: Good lord! Whatever next, an all female version of GHOSTBUSTERS

Bertrum: That's already been done. Back in 2016 infact

OCG: Good lord! Let's move on before I say "good lord" again

Bertrum: You just did

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum!

So what did I think of THE ARTFUL ESCAPE? I am so glad you asked, dear viewer

Bertrum: I didn't hear anything

OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! This is a stunning game with a great story and a good soundtrack. Damnit I didn't talk about the music

Bertrum: You just did

OCG: So I did, Bertrum. Splendid. In conclusion buy this game, dear viewer. Therefore I am going to give THE ARTFUL ESCAPE a 4 out of 5.