WRITTEN BY THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER
(WITH ABSOLUTELY NO HELP FROM BERTRUM)
OCG: Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...
I am thee Obsessive Compulsive Gamer joined once again by my faithful manservant/factotum Bertrum. Say hello, Bertrum
Bertrum: Hello, Bertrum!
OCG: And this is my review for EVERREACH: PROJECT EDEN
EVERREACH: PROJECT EDEN was released in 2019. A year I remember fondly as the year I used a shrink ray on a midget for the first time
Bertrum: So you essentially created a midget midget?
OCG: Exactly, Bertrum. So what the Hell is EVERREACH: PROJECT EDEN? I am so glad you asked, dear viewer
Bertrum: I didn't hear anything
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! This game is essentially MASS EFFECT if it was made on a budget of £7.50. Actually, I'm being very unfair to the game. It was probably more like a budget of £9.00
So, story. You essentially crash land somewhere and have to carry out dull missions for your rescuers
Bertrum: Are they like THE RESCUERS DOWN UNDER?
OCG: No. They're not Australian
OCG: Though I do appreciate the Disney reference, Bertrum
Bertrum: Disney reference?
OCG: Nevermind. So, gameplay. Rather like MASS EFFECT, PROJECT EDEN is a basic 3rd person shooter with RPG elements. In a nutshell that means you'll spend most of your time shooting enemies and upgrading your characters skills, abilities etc. Sadly though this being a £9 version of MASS EFFECT as you can imagine the voice acting is abysmal. Actually, I'm being very unfair to the game. The voice acting is dreadful, not abysmal and unlike MASS EFFECT, EVERREACH PROJECT EDEN has a distinct lack of sex scenes
Bertrum: Are sex scenes important in a videogame?
OCG: I'm going to forget you just said that, Bertrum. Get me a coffee
Bertrum: But we don't have any coffee
OCG: Fine. Then get me a gin and tonic
Bertrum: But we don't have any gin or tonic
OCG: Blast! Then what the Hell do we have?
Bertrum: Ummm...We have this funny liquid that comes out of the tap
OCG: Do you mean water?
Bertrum: Yes. That
OCG: Then get me a glass of water
Bertrum: We don't have any glasses
OCG: Blast! Then just put it in a bowl
OCG: Let me guess, we haven't got any bowls?
Bertrum: Yes. How did you know?
OCG: Call it a lucky guess
So, what did I think of EVERREACH: PROJECT EDEN? In a word: It is bloody dreadful
Bertrum: That's four words
OCG: Shut up, Bertrum! Not only is the voice acting bollocks but your character controls like utter arse. Oh, and whatever you do, make sure you don't die in this game. The loading screens are so unbearably long that I had time to make a bloody sandwhich everytime I died. And you'll die a lot because even on easy mode your character is more fragile than a family of balloons at a nail bomb party
Bertrum: You had a sandwhich and didn't make me one
OCG: You know very well, Bertrum that you only get fed on Monday's, Thursday's and on special occassions
Bertrum: Oh yeah!
OCG: So, in conclusion. EVERREACH: PROJECT EDEN is a complete waste of time and the £9 that was spent to make this game would have been better served being paid into my bank account
Bertrum: And what would you have bought with your £9?
OCG: An imported box of Coco Pops from the United States Of America
Bertrum: I see
OCG: Therefore I am going to give EVERREACH: PROJECT EDEN a 2 out of 5
THE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE GAMER